Yawnnnniiinnnnggggggggggg

Fatigue can do awful things to you. It affects your thought processes; your thinking becomes slowed, dulled; your memory falters. You physically feel different; your eyelids are heavy, your eyes are burning and have lost their sparkle, your posture slumps; that glow that lights your face is gone.

Your emotions are frazzled. You are irritable. Nothing seems quite right as hard as you try to make it so. When you don’t sleep, you just aren’t yourself, and those around you know it. If you haven’t slept just one night you may have a bit of an understanding of what I’m saying, or maybe two or three nights.

Let’s talk about months of disrupted sleep. There are often a myriad of reasons for loss of sleep, more appropriately termed insomnia. Whatever you call it, if you have sought assistance in resolving it, to no avail, you understand all the potential stuff that may be knocking at your back door as a result of no shut eye.

Firsthand experience speaks when I mention of nodding off at the computer, time after time, day or night. Visiting my mother in law and as she speaks I nod off. How glad I am that we have the wonderful relationship that we do. As I hear my husband drift off to sleep I rise up from our bed, and wander about our house, deciding where to settle, on the sofa with a book, at my desk paying bills, going online, almost wish I could get out the vacuum and do some cleaning, (doubt that would be appreciated)…or worse yet, driving down the road, and being awakened by my vehicle going off the edge of the highway..

When I mentioned irritable…yes here comes confession time…not long ago, I went through the drive-thru of a fast food place (small town, local place, not good). Of course, I couldn't do this in large city and be anonymous. When the young woman told me the amount I heard $3.39. When I got to the window I had the exact change and handed it to her. She proceeded to tell me it was $3.93. I said, “No you told me $3.39 now give me my food.” She was adamant and refused. (Obviously a very bad day for me) I proceeded to reach for a $5.00 bill and tossed it to her and said, “Keep the change, if you have to work here, you need the money and while you’re at it, tell JW (the manager) to get his act together here and in his personal life!” (I am good friends with his aunt)
I then got my food and drove off. A block later I was sobbing. I never ate the food. I went into the restaurant a week later and apologized to the young woman and to the manager. She didn’t even remember it. More importantly, I remembered, and I needed to make it right. Am I sleeping now? No… But I stop and think very carefully before I speak…well, at least make a "yawningggggg" attempt....
now thats another topic.....when you see someone else yawn, see the word, type the word, say the word yawn..........do you YAWN????

You'll be better for it...

You'll be better for it...Humor: amusement, jesting, joking, clowning, jolliness, joyfulness, playfulness….there is so much more to be said… I was just musing over some of the blogs...when I began to consider the gift of a natural sense of humor…some have it and some don’t…some can tell a joke, some cant.

I just love the animated story teller, with well placed pauses. Their animated facial expressions only give life to the story. It is in some of these blogs, I can see this same type of story teller. I can hear him and I can feel his expressive words being spoken. Yes, all of this in the written word. Some of the authors draw you in. They take you to the place, describe the surroundings, the emotion, the characters and then……………………….

They cut loose….with their wit, good humor, banter, playfulness and just a downright good frame of mind and we are thoroughly entertained, moved to giggles, laughter and even guffaws…this I can handle.

Sometimes life isn’t always as you planned. You would ask that you be in a better place. Take a respite, a moment, to smile, it’s ok, you’re allowed, laugh a little, and you’ll be better for it.

Everyone has their issues...

Everyone has their issues, some more than others. I’ve always admired those with very few issues. What the heck are issues anyway? An issue can be any problem, concern, dispute; it can be a point one disagrees on; something controversial.

It’s pretty common for us ladies to hear, “Stay away, from that one girl; he’s got big time issues.” Ever heard that? I sure have.

Not everyone has issues, sometimes…we find those people that are just downright nice, happy, cheerful, great sense of humor, relaxed, not a care in the world, not ONE SINGLE, care in the world…another one of those, girls. When they don’t have a single care in the world, they don’t have even one, for example, NOT EVEN BILLS!!

Take a shower; sure…in a day or two….what’s the big deal?? Check the oil in the car?? Oh yeah, sure I did that, about 4 months ago, it was just fine then (and they are smiling the whole time they tell you this).

The checkbook, balance it? Oh honey, don’t worry, the bank does that on its own, they’ll let us know if we’re out of money!! Don’t forget the little notice for the bouncy check place…oh yeah honey I forgot to tell you about that…more like you forgot to tell me about 5 bouncy checks…

Honey Bucket!!!! (As you can see, big time experience talking!!)

Then…there is that ultimate moment… You walk into the room, the restaurant, your class, the store, the meat market, the five and dime, the gas station, where ever…. And you see him…his eyes, (You know it’s all in the eyes…Ladies) and you know…wow, he just paid for his gas, he pays his bills!! He used a debit card to pay for his gas….and it cleared!!! (He has money….who knows what his balance is…it still cleared!!) He’s wiping his hands on a paper tower, so that means he just checked his oil. Oh someone catch me, I’m going to faint. (Of course, I didn’t see him come from the bathroom just before that). Sauntering up to the counter, to pay my own bill (ohhhhhhh, we’re so compatible), I breathe in deeply…and the most delicious scent enters my nostrils……..oh God, he bathes!! He is pleasant with the cashier, smiles, and as I draw closer to him, he turns as I accidentally nudge him, and he smiles….he smiles….no, no issues here.

How often is a situation like this our meter of issues…our assessment and face value prediction of who this person truly is .

Another one of those…

Think on these things…

Do not set me aside just yet.. (Alzheimer's steals her away)

Keep me close...do not set me aside just yet.. let the glow in your eyes let me know i am someone you love, my name may not be within your minds reach, but please let it recognize your tenderness for me...

if You are more than concerned, angry, show me; it means you are alive inside yet, moved by your surroundings, by people even though, those thoughts will soon leave you, to be replaced by more significant events to you.

circumstances that now guide your life, a meal, a visit, an activity, your medications so simple, yet to you, now so very important...

my precious mother, i am your daughter.. its alright if you do not remember, for i do,
even when the glow dissipates, i will whisper to you, Mama, i am here i will recall your tenderness, and we will will share..

we will share our love, we will share our memories i will never set you aside my dear mother...never

the person behind the persona

His face contorts, with pain, or is it sorrow or both… I look into his eyes and remember,

This man, whose large finger my little hand once clung to,

Whose strong arms held up my new bicycle as I learned to ride,

Whose gentle hands guided mine as I learned drive his John Deere tractor

Whose soft eyes watched as I left on my first date,

And whose arm I wrapped mine about as I walked down the aisle…

He has been my strength, my counsel,

When times were bleak he offered me hope, He is so good at changing the subject when things get serious, and bringing forth a smile to my lips.

When times must be sober, he offers confidence and encouragement, he teaches consistently all things that one must know, and he does it calmly, steadily, being certain that the future will be well taken care of; for he is a man of honor, dignity and respect, and no such man would leave any loose ends. The one left to carry out his wishes must completely understand, not only, what is expected and required, but also that it is carried out in total love and the highest regard of all involved.

This man, once strong, hard working, muscular; now thin, weak and swiftly losing ground…is my beloved father. I hang on tightly to whom he was, but even more so to whom he is now, for he is a part of me, as he has shown himself to me. I have come to know not only my father, but I have come to know the man my father is.

Life lessons your mother learned in her 53 years

Babies, toddlers may fuss because they haven't had enough rest, but grandparents and great-grandparents don't mind, they just want to see them, hold them and love them. You are your grandparent's grandchild they want to see you, hold you and love you, also.

Long term care facilities are not off limits for babies or toddlers. They are like a ray of sunshine in the lives of the residents when they walk in the door. It is not a dirty place, nor a place of sickness. It is the resident's home. Grandparents live there. Young people live there.

For any given reason, grandparents may remember your visit for that particular instant, and for that moment you have brought them great joy. In days to come they may have just bits and pieces of recollections of that visit to cheer them for more days than you could imagine possible.

The nap your toddler or baby misses today isn't going to matter, 10, 15 years from now. However, when your teenage son asks if he knew or met grandma's mother, and your response is well yes, when you were tiny, but she was in a home later and we never went there….he's is going to be a smart young man (he has very smart parents) and he's going to want to know why.

Your mother raised 4 children, at one point 3, 3 years and under. One is now 29 with 3 children, all living, another is 27 with 2 children, all living, another is 25, he's alive and a child due in his family; another is nearly 17 and is more than alive, she's vibrant. They missed a lot of naps, some even were in sopping wet diapers for awhile, some missed their usual times to eat until a bit later, there were accidents, they visited nursing homes and were hugged by aged adults your mother didn't even know, but they all survived.

Children cannot live in bubbles; they must experience life at all its stages, even at a young age. They must know what failure is, so they understand the triumph of success. What's even better is the delight it brings to you to watch them learn, grow and realize their own promise.

Perfect

As I gazed upon it all, I whispered to myself, “perfect, just perfect…and all on time"! I stepped out on the front steps and my eyes scanned the yard, the small flags flanking our drive, my thoughts echoed my previous whisper, “perfect”.

As my reflections drifted to our guests, the first began to arrive, and I greeted them warmly, escorting them into our home…”perfect”, kept resounding thru my mind. Our home was soon, buzzing with conversation, my eldest daughter helping with setting out the food, grandkids running about, the great-grandmothers offering to help; but just encouraged to sit, and enjoy the conversation, and they readily obliged.

Late comers trailed in, those that had to work late, or those that came from farther away. More grandchildren arrived and I scoop them up into my arms….”perfect”…. All are gathered to go through the bountiful buffet, a blessing is given, all take part, raving about all the wonderful food, guests scattered through the first floor of the house, I wander about making sure everyone has what they need, before I partake. “Perfect.” Talking, laughing, some tears over memories, hopes, and dreams all shared…between a family, closely knit….”perfect”…

Weariness…begins to nip at my heels…but I brush it away…blaming it on hunger. As I fill my plate, a grandchild hugs my thigh…and warmth fills me. Finally seated the others are returning for dessert as I begin the main course…I finish a few bites when a baby cries…I quickly rise and reach for her…so her mama can finish her meal…. When returning to the dining room my plate is gone. The girls are clearing the table for me, how nice…”perfect”. ,

I feel the slight pangs of hunger and shake it off, but do peek, around the corner to check for desserts, now covered and headed for the frig….”perfect”….a large swallow of water calms the pangs…and returning to my guests to enjoy their company.

Weariness now whines quietly in my ear but just for a moment as I enter our living room and join the lively chatting of the group…. Listening, I soon join in ….only to find I am embarrassingly apologizing for the mix up of several words in a conversation, using the excuse of a very hectic week. I lean back and quietly listen as the conversation carries on. “not so perfect” Grandpa has already started fireworks with the kids….

soon the “big” ones begin…and I go outside to join the others choosing a smaller “safer” group” to sit with. Stepping out I begin to talk again…once again the words just don’t come…a dear friend just says…”Jan you’re just exhausted…it’s ok”…leaning back weariness is barking loudly in my ear and my body mind and soul weep …..”Far from perfect”.

I hear the clapping as the fireworks shoot into the air, producing a gorgeous display of colors, but my mind is a million miles off. The family and friends, the fireworks…”perfect”… I realize…all that I do, to make an event look “perfect” doesn’t take away from what “real life” truly is…it doesn’t take away the responsiblitles I have, it doesn’t take away the life threatening illnesses that threaten a loved one that I ponder that robs me of my sleep, it doesn’t relieve the sadness of other’s failings to meet to needs of those who need them so much right now….and even now as I write, I realize I can only do as much as one person can humanly do, I can be there for my precious loved ones and do my very best…and that is all that I can do…and that in itself is “perfect” in my heart…and yes weariness will bite at my heels but that is ok. For if it didn’t then I wouldn’t have known I had done my very best….
yes, to be “perfectly imperfect” is the best I can be … and that is not only acceptable, that is “perfect”