Perfect

As I gazed upon it all, I whispered to myself, “perfect, just perfect…and all on time"! I stepped out on the front steps and my eyes scanned the yard, the small flags flanking our drive, my thoughts echoed my previous whisper, “perfect”.

As my reflections drifted to our guests, the first began to arrive, and I greeted them warmly, escorting them into our home…”perfect”, kept resounding thru my mind. Our home was soon, buzzing with conversation, my eldest daughter helping with setting out the food, grandkids running about, the great-grandmothers offering to help; but just encouraged to sit, and enjoy the conversation, and they readily obliged.

Late comers trailed in, those that had to work late, or those that came from farther away. More grandchildren arrived and I scoop them up into my arms….”perfect”…. All are gathered to go through the bountiful buffet, a blessing is given, all take part, raving about all the wonderful food, guests scattered through the first floor of the house, I wander about making sure everyone has what they need, before I partake. “Perfect.” Talking, laughing, some tears over memories, hopes, and dreams all shared…between a family, closely knit….”perfect”…

Weariness…begins to nip at my heels…but I brush it away…blaming it on hunger. As I fill my plate, a grandchild hugs my thigh…and warmth fills me. Finally seated the others are returning for dessert as I begin the main course…I finish a few bites when a baby cries…I quickly rise and reach for her…so her mama can finish her meal…. When returning to the dining room my plate is gone. The girls are clearing the table for me, how nice…”perfect”. ,

I feel the slight pangs of hunger and shake it off, but do peek, around the corner to check for desserts, now covered and headed for the frig….”perfect”….a large swallow of water calms the pangs…and returning to my guests to enjoy their company.

Weariness now whines quietly in my ear but just for a moment as I enter our living room and join the lively chatting of the group…. Listening, I soon join in ….only to find I am embarrassingly apologizing for the mix up of several words in a conversation, using the excuse of a very hectic week. I lean back and quietly listen as the conversation carries on. “not so perfect” Grandpa has already started fireworks with the kids….

soon the “big” ones begin…and I go outside to join the others choosing a smaller “safer” group” to sit with. Stepping out I begin to talk again…once again the words just don’t come…a dear friend just says…”Jan you’re just exhausted…it’s ok”…leaning back weariness is barking loudly in my ear and my body mind and soul weep …..”Far from perfect”.

I hear the clapping as the fireworks shoot into the air, producing a gorgeous display of colors, but my mind is a million miles off. The family and friends, the fireworks…”perfect”… I realize…all that I do, to make an event look “perfect” doesn’t take away from what “real life” truly is…it doesn’t take away the responsiblitles I have, it doesn’t take away the life threatening illnesses that threaten a loved one that I ponder that robs me of my sleep, it doesn’t relieve the sadness of other’s failings to meet to needs of those who need them so much right now….and even now as I write, I realize I can only do as much as one person can humanly do, I can be there for my precious loved ones and do my very best…and that is all that I can do…and that in itself is “perfect” in my heart…and yes weariness will bite at my heels but that is ok. For if it didn’t then I wouldn’t have known I had done my very best….
yes, to be “perfectly imperfect” is the best I can be … and that is not only acceptable, that is “perfect”